Or something similar is what has delayed my marriage part 3 post. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s that I am tired of talking about it and tired of thinking about it. I don’t know, but regardless- I just don’t wanna.
I have the worst luck ever, and this fact is only proving itself over and over and over. Today my mom wondered out loud what I have done to deserve such karma. A few days ago I had a moment of satisfaction over a certain family members mis-fortune and when I voiced it I was reminded that in my so-called Christian mind you can’t have both karma and Gods forgiveness. I wonder how I feel about that- but I didn’t delve into it. Why? Seriously I don’t know, I just don’t wanna go there right now.
Someone also told me recently that I should get a divorce. “Talk the talk, then walk the walk,” she said. She wondered why Jason would “like” me, and why would I “like” him? And then she looked at me with that look that says “see? you know I’m right.” I couldn’t argue, or wouldn’t argue anyway- and I have no explanation really. I really just don’t want to. Not because we are madly in love, or ‘cuz I think we can make it work or ‘cuz I’m not convinced it’s over. And of course the kids have a lot of play in that decision but so do many other things and the bottom line really is that I don’t have to convince you or even myself at this point. I may be a selfish and spoiled brat but that’s cool with me. I don’t wanna get a divorce so I not gonna!
My parents are truly amazing and have opened their homes and bank accounts to help us out in this fucked up financial mess- but I’m not moving to Arkansas. Someone told me to go there since it’s better then being homeless and the fact that it’s getting that bad is numbing but still the fact remains that I DON’T WANNA!
We are selling all that we own in hopes of starting over somewhere new. Friends tell me I’ll be without anything and still be poor, so what’s the point and I should keep my belongings. Maybe they are right and I will regret letting go but in the moment it feels good and keeping stuff that fills a space I can’t afford doesn’t. So I’m not going to argue or try to convince people – I’m not keeping stuff, I just don’t want to.
I sound like a broken record, I realize this and I could go on and on and on but guess what?!!!! So I’ll just list them here:
I will not pay the $1000 deductable to fix the KIA.
I am also not vaccinating my children no matter what the law says.
I am not modeling for you or anyone else until my baby weight is gone.
I will not make the boys walk in rain and snow to get on the bus when they are wheezing.
I am not going to stop buying sugary cereal until I can afford granola.
I am not going to be nice and forgiving and sweet when I don’t feel nice, forgiving or sweet.
And I won’t make my kids do it either.
We are not moving to another country. Ever. And I doubt we’ll go visit somewhere that far away either.
Pretty is not going to be in daycare. anywhere.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about my marriage- unless, of course, I just don’t wanna. :/
