I thought I might suffocate when I saw the pink lines on that test. Shock is probably the best way to describe that feeling, and that feeling lasted my entire pregnancy. I didn’t know whether to praise God or curse Him so at times I did both. Jason and I split, sort of, and I had my own apartment. That was the first and only time I had ever lived on my own- completely alone. Pregnancy was hard on my body because I was so unhealthy to begin with. Not drinking because of being pregnant was kind of like dragged behind a car or something. I don’t know how else to explain it. My life was a mess and I realized that I was at a point where I must decide quickly what to do. It was sink or swim.
When Jaden was born, my mom stayed with us at my apartment. I was grateful for her presence but also sad and annoyed that I was feeling like a teenage mother at 25 years old. Single and alone and scared to death. The circumstances were of my own making, but that never stops me at taking my disgust out on someone else-namely someone who won’t let me down. Like my mom.
The memory that most stands out is the dreams that constantly woke me. I wanted so badly for Jason to be there- to bask in the love I was feeling for my baby. For our baby. But, because I was such a f*ck up, he wasn’t there. He was going on with his life without me. And for this I was angry.
When Jaden was 5 days old, Jason decided to give me yet another chance. I think this decision had more to do with Jaden then with me, but I went with it anyway. We agreed it would be best for our baby, so I moved back into our old apartment. We never discussed my pregnancy or the betrayals in our relationship prior ever again.
Our new little family quickly fell back into a normalcy and comfortable routine for all of us. Jason worked the hotel for long hours, while Jaden and I bonded and loved on each other. Thankfully I somehow dodged any Post partum depression and was obsessed with my little one enough to stay out of trouble.
The first year of Jaden’s life was a busy one. We took a trip to Arizona when Jaden was six weeks old, went to Colorado for Christmas, and I went back to work when he was 4 months old. My father passed away and Jaden attended his funeral with me and Jason in MN. Jason took a big leap of faith and accepted a job at a hotel in Taos NM, and we moved to an awesome old adobe house in a tiny town called Pilar.
Just in time to discover my second pregnancy. Chasing around a 14-20 month old boy in a house in the desert is not my cup of tea. Talk about culture shock, and even for this New Mexico native- it was a shock, no doubt. It was hot. I had morning sickness all day long, and I was miserable. Jason lasted 4 months at the hotel, before he was laid off. This took a huge hit on his ego, and rightfully so. Despite the unjustness of the situation, it was our reality and we had no choice but to move on. Jason took a step back and saw his miserable wife and the situation at the hotel and decided we all needed a change. He wanted to follow his dreams of becoming an entrepeneur and seek a new career in fitness. A job at GNC could allow him to get his foot in the door. I was too sick to argue with him much, so… Jack was born and we promptly exhausted our savings, our credit cards, and our sanity right before we moved to Santa Fe.
We moved into a dive apartment close to Jasons new job. I tried to keep up with the boys the best I could and looked for work. Sadly, I don’t recall a lot from those times. Jaden’s health took a dive right away, and we began to see more of the effects of foods, allergies, and asthma. It was scary, but everything was happening so fast that neither of us could catch our breathes and really be in the moment. My mom took our cats home with her. My best friend Ali took Duke (jason’s dog) home with her. I worked full-time at the front desk in a local hotel, watched my friend’s son part-time, and worked the childcare at a gym as well. It was crazy busy.
We moved into a bigger place and tried to stay afloat. I don’t know if we were happy then or not. I think we just were trying to get thru each day. Jason seemed happy then, I think he was glad to be out of the 24/7 stuff that comes with the hotel business. Finances were tight though- the resentments of living paycheck to paycheck were building. I truly believed in him. At that time I had Jason high on the same pedestal I had my Grandpa on. It was an awfully long way to fall, but it happened in slow motion. Bit by bit the image I had held of Jas started to fade.
Eventually Jason made enough acquaintances and people around town involved in health/fitness. He was able to help out at a local gym and began to be social. This is honestly the first time I had seen Jason in that type of setting- his professional, serious side was replaced with someone laid back, funny, and… I don’t know… cool?! It was bizarre for me, but fun to watch and I was excited for him. And I was proud of him too.
