~Healing~ part 2 July 29, 2010

~Day 26 without zoloft~
I am sleeping better, working out again, and my appetite is defineatly improving. My moods are more stable, I can laugh and feel giddy (woo!), and my stress/anxiety is most certainly at a comfortable plateau. Oh, and I can make a decision! Seriously. A real-live-honest-to-goodness decision. Life is good.

Until today, anyway. Today I woke up and crawled out the wrong side of my cave. Jaden was home too, damnit.

I woke up from a really not very nice dream (more on that the next blog), and was immediately annoyed. Now, when I say annoyed, I don’t mean slightly uncomfortable. I mean let me scream, kick, cry and hit everything and everyone in my way until I am exhausted annoyed. Kiara was nursing away (Lord, please let me have my boobs back soon?!) and my house was super hot. The dogs were barking away at their reflections in the window. My clothes don’t fit right (poor me I am finally losing all this weight and still find reason for complaint!). My bras are too big, my shirts are stretched out, I have to roll the waist band on my pants, my hair needs cut, I lost my contacts and my glasses keep sliding down my nose…. and did I mention its soo hot?

Are you annoyed yet? I AM!!!! UGH! Its sad when I am annoyed at myself. Luckily, I somehow made it thru the day without causing any major drama or hurting any feelings (I think). Poor Jason always takes the brunt of my frustration~ its a good flippin thing he’s so patient or he’d probably made good on his jokes about a rope and shovel and a map to the middle of no-where. I really don’t know why he hasn’t at least yelled at me once or twice.

I went to a dance class and pulled from the little bowl of affirmations. Mine was “healing.” Then I was reminded of all the good things that have come from this detox~… Every day is not going to be perfect. There will still be bumps and I am having to learn how to deal with everything all over again; all the while trying to heal from what I was hiding from in the very beginning! There is much work to be done, this is just the beginning!

Healing July 22, 2010

I stopped taking zoloft 19 days ago today. Although I tappered off it a little bit, the withdrawl was anything but easy. After 11 days of I constant mood swings/trembling/fits and insomnia, I could formulate a thought and put it to words. Still, after 19 days I continue to have trouble digesting food normaly, sleeping without recurring night terrors, and focusing on any one task.

Zoloft was prescribed for me in 2004 because of anxiety/panic attacks, my prescription was originally 25 mg. Gradually the prescription was increased because every few months the original symptoms would return, causing me to complain, causing the doctor to up my dose. Looking back on things I realize that the”symptoms” had more to do with the medication itself and less to do with any panic disorder I may suffer without drugs. Because I was nursing or refusing to take birth control, the doctors refused to try any other medication (which is really probably a good thing). Instead the doctors would change my dose (it was maxed out at 200 mg a day), change the time of my dose, split my dose and on and on. None of the doctors I saw ever suggested i stop taking zoloft or even tapering off the medication. Whenever I contimplated the idea, I was quickly told that it was dangerous to try without having yet another medication to replace it (which was not possible without having to wean my daughter and be put on birth control)

The symptoms I dealt with while taking the meds included: obsessing, paranoia, weight gain, uncontrollable outbursts of anger/rage, skin picking, loss of ambition, depression and suicidal thoughts.

Eventually I decided that enough was enough and I was going to stop taking the medication altogether. I did this with a strict warning from my physician and psychiatrist that it was extremely dangerous, unresponsible and some other not very positive encouragement.

My life was already fairly chaotic though, and I felt that it was now or never~ One way or another something had to happen. My life had been in a non-committed state for far too long and the whole situation was making it very hard to accomplish anything at all. Even making the kids breakfast seemed like a gigantic chore.

Relationships were in shambles– my best friend, in particular was about to walk away from me, and it seemed to set me off very passionately toward a not so happy place. I had to do something quick. So, I did what I do best. i ran.

Now that I am thinking some-what clearly, I’ve re-discovering a few things about myself that I had almost forgotten. The fun is about to begin…