Mamaofthree2b's Blog

my third pregnancy… and beyond

without conditions. August 3, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mamaofthree2b @ 5:21 am

Why do people insist on loving each other so conditionally? What happened to the idea of giving joyfully, without expectation? Everything seems to be a big competition in life~ whether it be relationally, occupationally, or in regards to friendship, parenting, even happiness!

Of course I say this as if I have never been guilty of placing a good bit of motivation on my loving actions. Naturally there have been instances when I have done something for someone with the clear intention of having the favor returned. We all have high expecations of each other, maybe they are unreachable at some points- Maybe the are unattainable more often then not. That doesn’t mean we don’t try though, just because we want each other to be happy.

I am certain that the one major reason I have been fortunate enough to have friendships that have lasted 26+ years is because of a very important charactoristic that my friends and I share. We practice unconditional loyalty. We have had our ups and downs~ ins and outs~ good times and bad~ but the bottom line is, no matter what~ we try very very hard to be unconditional with each other.

Looking back I can see those friendships as being one-sided; during times when one of us faced some type of hardship. And maybe they have not always been the healthiest of relationships. Even lately I have relationships that are difficult for me to deal with. People I love make decisions that are difficult to accept. Its hard NOT to judge them, sometimes I even wish to strangle some sense into them. 😉 And, of course not saying “I told you so!” when the time comes that maybe I was right all along… But I would never trade that one charactoristic that holds us together, and I hope I will be able to pass that on to my kids as well.

Life is hard. I am blessed to never have to feel alone because I have friends, family, and a community that lifts me up whenever I need it. They know me well enough to know when I need a hug, a push, or a big ole slap up side the head. Being surrounded by a supportive, diverse, and trustworthy group makes it super easy to find success in anything that is worth desiring.

What did I have to do to obtain such a group? Simply be unconditionally loyal. Basically, it means I don’t go away. My friends know that they are going to have me around regardless of what they do or don’t do with their lives. I may not always agree, but I’m always here. And the same goes with them… I have friends that think I have lost my mind when it comes to decisions I’ve made recently. I have friends that I know better then to try to rationalize or debate certain beliefs with. They are the same friends that are there for me when I show up a mess on their front step, or accidently flake on for a breakfast date, or scream and yell at when I’ve had enough.

Life is short. Whenever I hear others being judgemental or making assumptions based on small-minded stereo-types it’s hard for me to *not* feel sorry for them. Its sad to live a lonely existance! The people that I have passed judgement on in the past are the very people I have been forced to depend on the most~ luckily for me, because they have also been the biggest assets!

I hope I never lose sight of this important lesson~ never judge a person unless you have personally been thru the exact circumstance you are in judgement of. And love everyone with unconditional loyalty… ❤

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~Healing~ part 2 July 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mamaofthree2b @ 9:33 am

~Day 26 without zoloft~
I am sleeping better, working out again, and my appetite is defineatly improving. My moods are more stable, I can laugh and feel giddy (woo!), and my stress/anxiety is most certainly at a comfortable plateau. Oh, and I can make a decision! Seriously. A real-live-honest-to-goodness decision. Life is good.

Until today, anyway. Today I woke up and crawled out the wrong side of my cave. Jaden was home too, damnit.

I woke up from a really not very nice dream (more on that the next blog), and was immediately annoyed. Now, when I say annoyed, I don’t mean slightly uncomfortable. I mean let me scream, kick, cry and hit everything and everyone in my way until I am exhausted annoyed. Kiara was nursing away (Lord, please let me have my boobs back soon?!) and my house was super hot. The dogs were barking away at their reflections in the window. My clothes don’t fit right (poor me I am finally losing all this weight and still find reason for complaint!). My bras are too big, my shirts are stretched out, I have to roll the waist band on my pants, my hair needs cut, I lost my contacts and my glasses keep sliding down my nose…. and did I mention its soo hot?

Are you annoyed yet? I AM!!!! UGH! Its sad when I am annoyed at myself. Luckily, I somehow made it thru the day without causing any major drama or hurting any feelings (I think). Poor Jason always takes the brunt of my frustration~ its a good flippin thing he’s so patient or he’d probably made good on his jokes about a rope and shovel and a map to the middle of no-where. 🙂 I really don’t know why he hasn’t at least yelled at me once or twice.

I went to a dance class and pulled from the little bowl of affirmations. Mine was “healing.” Then I was reminded of all the good things that have come from this detox~… Every day is not going to be perfect. There will still be bumps and I am having to learn how to deal with everything all over again; all the while trying to heal from what I was hiding from in the very beginning! There is much work to be done, this is just the beginning!

 

Healing July 22, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mamaofthree2b @ 5:39 am

I stopped taking zoloft 19 days ago today. Although I tappered off it a little bit, the withdrawl was anything but easy. After 11 days of I constant mood swings/trembling/fits and insomnia, I could formulate a thought and put it to words. Still, after 19 days I continue to have trouble digesting food normaly, sleeping without recurring night terrors, and focusing on any one task.

Zoloft was prescribed for me in 2004 because of anxiety/panic attacks, my prescription was originally 25 mg. Gradually the prescription was increased because every few months the original symptoms would return, causing me to complain, causing the doctor to up my dose. Looking back on things I realize that the”symptoms” had more to do with the medication itself and less to do with any panic disorder I may suffer without drugs. Because I was nursing or refusing to take birth control, the doctors refused to try any other medication (which is really probably a good thing). Instead the doctors would change my dose (it was maxed out at 200 mg a day), change the time of my dose, split my dose and on and on. None of the doctors I saw ever suggested i stop taking zoloft or even tapering off the medication. Whenever I contimplated the idea, I was quickly told that it was dangerous to try without having yet another medication to replace it (which was not possible without having to wean my daughter and be put on birth control)

The symptoms I dealt with while taking the meds included: obsessing, paranoia, weight gain, uncontrollable outbursts of anger/rage, skin picking, loss of ambition, depression and suicidal thoughts.

Eventually I decided that enough was enough and I was going to stop taking the medication altogether. I did this with a strict warning from my physician and psychiatrist that it was extremely dangerous, unresponsible and some other not very positive encouragement.

My life was already fairly chaotic though, and I felt that it was now or never~ One way or another something had to happen. My life had been in a non-committed state for far too long and the whole situation was making it very hard to accomplish anything at all. Even making the kids breakfast seemed like a gigantic chore.

Relationships were in shambles– my best friend, in particular was about to walk away from me, and it seemed to set me off very passionately toward a not so happy place. I had to do something quick. So, I did what I do best. i ran.

Now that I am thinking some-what clearly, I’ve re-discovering a few things about myself that I had almost forgotten. The fun is about to begin… 🙂

 

My dream April 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mamaofthree2b @ 4:56 am

Ever since I was a little girl, I fall into sleep with fantasy… Lately I’m wondering why these fantasies always stay with-in the fictional confines of my mind, but never become reality. They are not impossible dreams- maybe just far reaching.

My dream always starts with an old adobe. It is seemingly small- cozy and welcoming- tucked in a valley and surrounded by rock and trees. There is a beautiful view and many windows, and the energy is relaxing, calm and comforting. There is a tiny sun room that serves as a mud room- simply decorated with a couch over flowing with cushions and a hammock chair that hangs in the far corner. A perfect setting for morning tea. There is a bathroom off to the right, showcasing a super deep tub built of rocks. It looks like something from the hot springs that are near-by. A few steps above the sun room is the kitchen. The biggest room of the house, of course, and the fanciest as well. State of the art appliances line the corner two walls, and a curved island gracefully separates the cooking area from the dining area. There is also an outside covered patio for breakfast- and I can imagine enjoying coffee and watching the birds from that area. The dining table is round and made of mahogany wood… I imagine having big family dinners at this table with lots of laughter and happiness. Once thru the kitchen comes the living area. It’s small, simple, and basic- with a love seat and papazon chair to lay in. There is a kiva fireplace in the corner, and a wall cabinet to hide the television and other electronic entertainment deemed necessary by the children. My house also has an office/library for me, a playroom for the kids, and the bedroom is big enough for all of us- it’s a loft and has a bath as well.

The house is part of a compound in northern New Mexico, right behind the Rio Grande river. It’s a close knit community of like-minded families and is some-what considered “off-grid.” We would all have our own responsibilities, and everyone would be expected to contribute to our community. The compound would be driven to self-sustainablity- and would boast an organic farm with all the basics. We’d have a garden, fruit trees, and native honey. The children will be un-schooled/home schooled depending on their families wishes but all the children are close and play well together.

I also spend time dreaming of a bed of my own. Of not being touched, poked, pulled, or sucked on by littles. I’d love a meal without husbands, babies, friends of babies, or puppies eating off my plate. My dreams include my own space, and my own stuff- A safe place where i can leave my coke, computer, cell phone, clothing, and food laying around with-out having to worry about where it’ll end up.

Maybe one day~~ my dreams will become a reality…?

 

blank February 18, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mamaofthree2b @ 6:19 am

What to write about…. I could write about Jaden and the bullies at school. That has been the topic of many discussions lately. We’re grateful that Jaden feels confident enough in us to confide in his struggles at school. But how do we handle it? Do we talk to the teacher? The parents? Should Jaden tell on these kids? Or do we give him permission to knock someone out via self defense? All of these questions lead us to wonder what it is we are teaching our kids about handling conflict, jealousy, hurt? It’s frustrating and scary that our babies must learn such hard lessons so fast.

Or.. I could talk about homelessness…
I’m being a bit dramatic here, but geez we have to be out of our house in eleven days and I *really* want the house to be perfect when we leave. I love my house, and I’m so happy that we had the opportunity to call it home for almost one year. Its super heart breaking to me that we aren’t able to stay here forever but I’m trying to be strong… Meanwhile, I don’t have a clue where we’ll be in two weeks. There are several options pending, but nothing is set in stone.

or I could talk about not having wheels…
which hasn’t been so bad the last few weeks because the weather has been nice mostly, and it just worked out that way. It’s actually really doable for us, it’s just that when it’s cold I tend to be a bit whiny about the 2 mile walk just to get the kids to the bus stop on time. And then I could really go on and on and on about car shopping. Oh how I loathe car shopping….

How about I talk about my marriage some more.. big sigh…

Wait! I know… I can talk about yeah… nah… Sorry that’s it for now. 😦

 

My marriage part 3 February 4, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mamaofthree2b @ 7:56 am

I thought I might suffocate when I saw the pink lines on that test. Shock is probably the best way to describe that feeling, and that feeling lasted my entire pregnancy. I didn’t know whether to praise God or curse Him so at times I did both. Jason and I split, sort of, and I had my own apartment. That was the first and only time I had ever lived on my own- completely alone. Pregnancy was hard on my body because I was so unhealthy to begin with. Not drinking because of being pregnant was kind of like dragged behind a car or something. I don’t know how else to explain it. My life was a mess and I realized that I was at a point where I must decide quickly what to do. It was sink or swim.
When Jaden was born, my mom stayed with us at my apartment. I was grateful for her presence but also sad and annoyed that I was feeling like a teenage mother at 25 years old. Single and alone and scared to death. The circumstances were of my own making, but that never stops me at taking my disgust out on someone else-namely someone who won’t let me down. Like my mom.
The memory that most stands out is the dreams that constantly woke me. I wanted so badly for Jason to be there- to bask in the love I was feeling for my baby. For our baby. But, because I was such a f*ck up, he wasn’t there. He was going on with his life without me. And for this I was angry.
When Jaden was 5 days old, Jason decided to give me yet another chance. I think this decision had more to do with Jaden then with me, but I went with it anyway. We agreed it would be best for our baby, so I moved back into our old apartment. We never discussed my pregnancy or the betrayals in our relationship prior ever again.
Our new little family quickly fell back into a normalcy and comfortable routine for all of us. Jason worked the hotel for long hours, while Jaden and I bonded and loved on each other. Thankfully I somehow dodged any Post partum depression and was obsessed with my little one enough to stay out of trouble.
The first year of Jaden’s life was a busy one. We took a trip to Arizona when Jaden was six weeks old, went to Colorado for Christmas, and I went back to work when he was 4 months old. My father passed away and Jaden attended his funeral with me and Jason in MN. Jason took a big leap of faith and accepted a job at a hotel in Taos NM, and we moved to an awesome old adobe house in a tiny town called Pilar.
Just in time to discover my second pregnancy. Chasing around a 14-20 month old boy in a house in the desert is not my cup of tea. Talk about culture shock, and even for this New Mexico native- it was a shock, no doubt. It was hot. I had morning sickness all day long, and I was miserable. Jason lasted 4 months at the hotel, before he was laid off. This took a huge hit on his ego, and rightfully so. Despite the unjustness of the situation, it was our reality and we had no choice but to move on. Jason took a step back and saw his miserable wife and the situation at the hotel and decided we all needed a change. He wanted to follow his dreams of becoming an entrepeneur and seek a new career in fitness. A job at GNC could allow him to get his foot in the door. I was too sick to argue with him much, so… Jack was born and we promptly exhausted our savings, our credit cards, and our sanity right before we moved to Santa Fe.
We moved into a dive apartment close to Jasons new job. I tried to keep up with the boys the best I could and looked for work. Sadly, I don’t recall a lot from those times. Jaden’s health took a dive right away, and we began to see more of the effects of foods, allergies, and asthma. It was scary, but everything was happening so fast that neither of us could catch our breathes and really be in the moment. My mom took our cats home with her. My best friend Ali took Duke (jason’s dog) home with her. I worked full-time at the front desk in a local hotel, watched my friend’s son part-time, and worked the childcare at a gym as well. It was crazy busy.
We moved into a bigger place and tried to stay afloat. I don’t know if we were happy then or not. I think we just were trying to get thru each day. Jason seemed happy then, I think he was glad to be out of the 24/7 stuff that comes with the hotel business. Finances were tight though- the resentments of living paycheck to paycheck were building. I truly believed in him. At that time I had Jason high on the same pedestal I had my Grandpa on. It was an awfully long way to fall, but it happened in slow motion. Bit by bit the image I had held of Jas started to fade.
Eventually Jason made enough acquaintances and people around town involved in health/fitness. He was able to help out at a local gym and began to be social. This is honestly the first time I had seen Jason in that type of setting- his professional, serious side was replaced with someone laid back, funny, and… I don’t know… cool?! It was bizarre for me, but fun to watch and I was excited for him. And I was proud of him too.

 

~*~*~*~updates~*~*~*~ February 1, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — mamaofthree2b @ 11:22 pm

Major changes are on the horizon for this family but nothing is set in stone just yet. Maybe we’ll move, maybe we won’t. Maybe Jason will find a new job, maybe he won’t. For all I know that gypsy fantasy I have might become reality and we’ll all be living out of a bus in the next month or two. Seriously that is how uncertain our future is right now.

I don’t do well with uncertainty. I need a goal to work towards and a plan to work on. Patiently waiting for others to make a decision is physically painful for me, which is a tad ironic considering the person I’m married to. Lately I’ve been running in circles trying to decide which way to go, and at the end of the day I look around and wonder what I’ve accomplished and if any of it mattered. As for the rest of us:::

Kiara is by far the happiest of us all, and her energy has been rubbing off on the rest of us. We just can’t seem to stay unhappy with her around. SHe doesn’t seem to sense any negativity or stress – I could be in the middle of a major melt down, and she’s just goo-ing away with a big smile on her face. I turn all cheesy and rediculous whenever I talk about her. It’s awful. i annoy myself. She has the boys wrapped tight too, and they are at her beck and call. She’s our highest priority. I think my spotlight has been officially taken over, and you know- surprisingly I don’t even care.

Jack’s hair is growing fast and i’m super excited that it seems to be curly still. I was a little afraid it wasn’t going to be this time. He is adorably popular at school- and is finally feeling safe and secure there. The other night Jack was brave enough to recite the pledge of allegiance in spanish, and I couldn’t help but beam with pride. He’s doing so well in school. Art is still his favorite but he’s spending more time playing star wars on his DS lately.

Jaden has a special bond with his baby sister – I knew he’d be a good big brother, but his attention and love for her goes way beyond my expectations. There doesn’t seem to be any jealousy – he does all he can to keep his lil sister happy. Jaden is doing much better in school, too. He seems to have found his niche socially, and I haven’t heard complaints about his attention level either. I think he’s catching up now. I knew he would.

Everything else just keeps going. ~xoxo~